I've always been a big fan of self-improvement. Ever since, i have stuck with the idea that in order to survive the drudgery and pitfalls of life, a person must endeavor to keep his head above the water. If i may say so myself, "There is no way to go but up. Either that, or you have deliberately chosen to mark the end of the road for yourself. " And no matter how depressing and frustrating things get, there would always be something good to divert one's focus on. It is all a matter of making the choice, and in my case, i insist on making the right choices. However, human as i am just like everybody else, making mistakes is expected. By this it only means that somewhere along the way i have made some wrong turns. Whether or not i had decided on my own or had someone decide on my behalf, truth be known that in one way or another, i always have a hand in anything and everything that happens to me. If everything comes crashing down and i find myself at the throes of dying once again, it would do me no good to point my finger at anyone. Why? Because in the end, that finger would come pointing back at me again.
But is it really so much about making the right choices?
Yes. But beating myself up for every wrong choice and condemning myself to eternal damnation because of one mistake, or generalizing future outcomes because of it, is just plain idiotic. Doing so is just as good as driving a dagger straight to my own heart. I have to admit that thoughts of "dying or being better off dead" have crossed my mind countless times in all the years i've been alive. I don't know exactly why my mind meanders to such extreme thoughts during certain times, but it would be hypocrisy to deny that i'm all smiles and positivism throughout. I am not. Yet i am never going to give myself an excuse to weaken and yield to the sadness. Never.
Every time, the sadness grips me, the world turns into a very cold, dreary, and lonely place. It always seems as if i am the only living soul on the face of the earth, and everything else is just a figment of my imagination. Though this controlling notion prevails in my consciousness during these times, deep down inside, i desperately cling to my belief that i am not really alone. And people no matter how cold-hearted they may appear would always have a caring side to them. Besides, being a believer, i know God is always there. He stands by me through thick and thin. I am not that big on religion even if i am a practising Catholic. For me, religion is just an institution. It's the spirituality that matters. The goodness of the heart stemming from one's belief in the goodness of a supreme being, no matter what name we call Him.
And this supreme being, the ultimate force behind life itself would remain long before everything else has gone. When dark days come, my first course of action is to look up and then look within me. Things may hurt like hell for a time, but it won't be forever. With God standing by me, i am assured of seeing the silver lining soon.
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