The Significance of Warmth

My boyfriend does not communicate with me. Either he is naturally reticent or otherwise, i could not tell. For starters, what can i expect? Our relationship is an online one. Though i treat and see him as a real, serious boyfriend, there is no telling if he does the same way. At first, being given the cold shoulder shook me up a great deal. I was agitated and worried often. But several months have passed by, and i have grown accustomed to being treated like "i don't exist," thus i have resigned myself to the fact that maybe it's just that: He is reticent by nature--or he chooses to be one, or i don't exist on the same plane as everything else in his life(which does make sense given the fact that ours is an online love affair). At least he messages me during special occasions and events like Christmas day, birthdays, and New Year. Come to think of it, what is there to talk about anyway? He says he wants to know everything about me. Maybe he already has learned enough to know that i would not budge much or demand anything given his reticence LOL. Either that, or i have come too close for comfort. He must be hiding a secret(which i would never pry from him no matter what), or he is not comfortable with people being overly familiar with him. Or maybe, he is already comfortable with me, and this is how he really is: reticent. I may just be complicating matters needlessly for all i know, but it still bids well for me to spill it out, even if it is just on  my ranting page. 

But i do care about him though i no longer fret about how he's doing when i don't receive word from him. I must be worried too much. Well, who won't be? If i were not anxious it only means one thing:"i have stopped caring." Sometimes i question myself about this only to realize that somehow there would always be some concern left for him no matter how well-resigned i am to my position in his life. Before, his coldness got my goat. But these days, i could only sigh ans smile. Busy and overly focused on my career, i should see his coldness as more of a blessing than a liability, shouldn't i? Maybe...

I am not playing around, and what i claim myself to be is everything i am. If he has been playing around behind my back or has lost interest, i would much rather have it that he fesses up. Of course, it would hurt, but if he thinks his life is better off without me, so be it. I might shed a tear or two and wallow in my pain for a while, but i would neither object nor hold him down. Whatever makes him happy makes me happy, even if i am not a part of it. His birthday is nearing, and i am readying  a nice dragon painting for him using inks. I hope he keeps it and takes good care of it. Also, i hope he speaks up once he thaws from his depression--i think he suffers from the winter blues, and tell me exactly where i stand or if there is something to hope for. I would hold out for him if he wants me to, i can also let go if he thinks he would be happier without me around. 

If i were afraid of losing him before, the same feeling does not hold true any more. When i said "i love him," i wasn't lying. But the prolonged absence of communication, this freezing silence, is beginning to get to me. If anything, it just leaves me wondering if ever our relationship is just an illusion or something real, thus worth keeping and nurturing. I would never bring up the argument and have it out with him. From observation, i think he is most likely to clam up than speak up and explain himself. Once this happens, time and effort in arguing goes down the drain and the whole situation gets no one nowhere. Besides i am not prone to arguing over petty matters. Serious matters like this, on the other hand, i prefer to discuss in an objective and calm manner as much as possible. I am leaving our relationship to God. I'll be here for him, but i would just sit in the distance and observe instead of getting myself overly involved on an emotional level. 

What matters is i stay true to him and myself.  Modesty aside, i consider myself and the kind of love i can give as extremely rare. Time may not be entirely on my side, as i am already stepping into my late thirties, but i can still hold out and wait a while. I just pray that he be honest and upfront with me. I would prefer to hear it straight from him if ever i have lost him, or is in the process of losing him to somebody else. 

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