Another Sunday

The whole day long, i've been feeling under the weather. Nope, it's not really a cold that got me down but a bad dysmenorrhea coupled with a migraine attack. Thus, i resolved to postpone today's classes for tomorrow. Honestly, i don't have an idea just yet as to how i'm going to start the new lessons i'm supposed to teach. Heck, i haven't even browsed through my books to know "what i could possibly teach." But having taught writing for years alongside my total immersion in writing per se, the flow has turned automatic. The pointers i use to gauge my students' works are the same ones i abide by in my practice. What pleases me most when i teach is the chance to not only interact with my students, which indulges my nurturing side, but to refresh my memory and broaden my learning even more. Though i have grown too familiar with the ins and outs of English grammar and writing, every tutorial session presents a different angle to the lesson i haven't seen before. Teaching my students is teaching myself at the same time. Together, we learn and grow. 

Though i never realized how i grew to love teaching and found myself perfectly fit for it in as much the same way as writing and the arts, i know that it would always comprise a part of me that none of the latter fields i mentioned could take up. It ranks third among my passions. Nonetheless, i still stand by my decision to focus more on writing than anything else. But God, do i miss my students...Most, if not all of them, have been under my wing for years. They have treated me like a second mother, and i have treated them like they were my own kids. The compulsion to nurture and care for them was instantaneous. They have grown up,each one of them, right before my very eyes. And though it cannot be denied how happy i am to have taken a good part in their upbringing, it brings with it a profound sadness upon realizing that up to this day, i have not had the chance to have my own kids just yet. 

In time, which is not very far from today, i know and feel that he would come, and together we are going to raise a family together. I am quite sure i'll make a good wife and mother, the loving, nurturing type who is hands on in managing her household and caring for her family.  I just pray and hope that God sends me the right man who could appreciate what i can do for him. I know God has already decided who this man will be. All i have to do is wait...And where waiting is concerned, need i say that i have more than enough glue to apply to my seat to last me quite a good deal of  waiting time? If you only know how patient i am when waiting for my brother to  pick me up from the Internet cafe during weekdays, i don't think anyone would even dare question the "intensity of my patience" LOL. 

God Can Explain...

I am in love, and seriously, i pray it is "he" whom God has decided for me. Why? My heart has decided to choose him, that's why. I do not see the need to elaborate on what merits i see in him--he has everything i want in a man, that i'm sure of--for i know that love is beyond the positive traits we see in a person.  

We do not really love people because of what they can give or do for us, but just because they are there making a presence in our lives. On our own, we can survive  and thrive despite the grueling demands life throws at us, but what makes it all worthwhile is having people who are concerned for us. Who misses us when we are away and long for our return, as they receive us with a warm embrace and smile in their faces. Who thinks of us and wonders about our safety when we are away from them. Who always includes us in their prayers each day. Who relishes our company and hangs on to every word we say. Who finds solace and comfort in our presence or at the thought of us, and seeks us to share their happiness with or whenever they need a little support and loving after having gone through some of life's usual beatings. People whom you know would be there for you no matter what even if they do not say anything. 

We can be made a fool of by a million people, but having just one person who is capable of filling this void in our lives suffices to make life beautiful. I have found these people in my family, and i am hoping that i could branch out and seek such people as i make my own family. Yes, i have decided to marry and have kids. I have decided to be this person worthy of filling in the void in someone's life and make it beautiful for him. Yet as honest as my intention is, life has not been very kind to me when it comes to romantic relationships in the past.  I have my hopes up now and look forward to a bright future, finally getting someone i deserve and who deserves me just as well. I am just waiting. 

I know the world is so much bigger than both of us and that i am not the center of the universe.  Despite this, i know everything would work out just right. Everything would just fall into place, and we need not know how this can be possible or why this is made possible to begin with. I miss him so. The fear of losing him and being duped once more is trying to grip my heart again, but i won't let it happen. The only way to handle uncertainty and the fear that comes with it is to embrace it. There are many things beyond my understanding, and there are also many things i want my consciousness to be spared from if only to save my sanity.  

I struggle to keep control, to be given assurance and certainty. But i know that the only way to ever stay in full control is to know when to let go of it and let God step in and take over. Though not very easy, this is what i am trying my best to do now: Let go of my struggle to gain control, and leave everything in God's hands. I have given my part that is my honesty and sincerity. With courage, i have sent the arrow of love flying through the air, from my little country here in the Far East all the way to the alps in Europe. The arrow and the precision and courage needed to shoot it straight forward are mine, but the other factors--wind, velocity, other elements--that could affect the outcome of my intention to hit my target dead center are no longer mine to control but God's.  And so i'm keeping my faith in God and in this love i have for him. 

Everything is all right. I am indeed okay. I am in God's hands. 

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